“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”—Jack Handy, to get us in the spirit of spending time with family. (via shorterexcerpts)
I know most of you guys won’t see this, and the ones that do probably won’t care, but I just wanted to vocalize a feeling that’s been with me for a while: have you ever felt inadequate? I mean, have you ever felt unsure about where your life is going? I don’t know. Lately, it seems like a lot of people are getting great opportunities and are making great strides in their lives, becoming adults, and generally succeeding, and I’m really happy for them, but it just seems like I’ve missed something. I regret the choices that I’ve made, and that’s the worst pain of them all.
I realize that the struggles of one man have a trivial, if any impact in the grand scheme of the cosmos, but is my happiness too great a demand? I’m not saying that I have nothing going for me; I have a great, wonderful, pretty, amazing, etc girlfriend; I have my health; a roof over my head; a job that I don’t hate; and many, many other things; but I would just like a few more things. Even though I’m back in Boston, I can’t bring myself to talk to my old friends as much. It just seems like our relationships have changed. They haven’t changed at all, I have. I’ve failed in something critical to myself, and that has left me a different person. I feel like I am unworthy. I had a chance at school, but did I blow it? I can’t help but wonder; what if? What if I had tried harder? What if I had paid attention more? What if? I’m trying to make good on this second chance, but will it be the same? What if my life can’t be what I want it to be?
We are told when we are young that we can be whatever we want to be. This may be true, but we are not told that not all of us will be what we want to be. Mind you, I accept full responsibility for this disappointment, but this disillusionment i still at the least crushing. The regret of this fall from grace for me has been absolutely crippling and at times has seemed irrecoverable. I need something. I need a foothold. I need to believe that I can make this life something worthwhile. Please don’t read anything into this note. It’s only a blog post, a way to get this all off of my chest, but please, any suggestions are welcome. I am at a crossroads, and I just can’t see far enough in any direction.
Yeah, that was annoying. Other than that, though, I’m having a really good couple of weeks! I love my friends, I have an amazing girlfriend who makes me smile constantly, things are looking up in school, I have a job and I’m making a little (did I mention a little) money… yeah, not bad! Mind you, there have been some snafus, some bad days, but overall, I’m pretty happy! I know no one wants to hear about a good day, that misfortune is more interesting; Schadenfreude and all, but I’m happy. That’s all.